What do you believe about yourself? Do you have beliefs that keep from stepping into your true self? Today I want to talk about self-beliefs and how the ideas that we hold about ourselves might just be your biggest obstacle to becoming who you want to be..
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."
— Lao Tzu
Amsterdam
I’m walking in Gaasperplas Park in southeast Amsterdam. It’s June and there’s techno music playing from the stage. Thousands of people are dancing, drinking, and smiling. I should be having fun, but there’s cloud hanging over me. I’m here alone and feeling lonely even with all these people around me. I had hoped that going out dancing would cheer me up.
I strike up conversations with strangers, and they’re all very friendly. But the cloud persists.
I walk around to the different stages, seeing if I prefer some music over the other.
I think about how I feel stuck in my life. Nothing seems to be going how I had hoped. I moved here to start a new career in leadership coaching and I’m not getting any traction.
I feel like a failure.
I join in the dancing for a while. The ground is a bit muddy from last nights rain, but this is Amsterdam. This is just part of life here. I lose myself in the music for while. It feels good.
A few hours later cloud cover moves in blocking the sun and the temperature starts to drop. I decide it’s time to go home. Walking to my apartment it’s starts to rain.
Good timing.
In my apartment, just a short walk from the park, I feel the loneliness again, and feelings of failure creep back in.
What am I doing here? Why did I think I could start a whole new life and career? Was I just being stupid?
I make a decision that’s been on my mind for the past few weeks. It’s time to go back home to Portland.
I look up plane fares and see a cheap one in 3 weeks. I buy it.
Over the next three weeks ship a few boxes, get rid of all my stuff, and say my goodbyes.
My adventure in Amsterdam comes to an end.
Weeks after getting back to Portland I sit down and start deconstructing why I failed.
There are all kinds of excuses. I didn’t know the language well enough. I didn’t have the contacts I needed. I didn’t understand the business culture in The Netherlands.
But then I uncover one big problem.
Me.
I realize that I didn’t believe that I could do it. I didn’t believe that I could be successful. It was there in the back of my mind the whole time: I believed I was going to fail. I believed that I’d reach a point where I’d fail and have to move back to the US. And that’s what happened. It ended up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So why was that? Where did that belief come from?
As I dug deeper, I realized that I felt like I was an imposter. I said I was an executive and leadership coach, that I was a speaker. But I didn’t believe it. I could put it on my LinkedIn profile, introduce myself to everyone with those titles. But until I believed it, I was just trying to fool myself and others into believing it.
Even after coaching leaders in software about how to build stronger teams and navigate the complexities of work and home. Even after I spoke at Google, and taught workshops at ING, one of the largest banks in Europe, I felt like I was just faking it. I was always waiting for someone to figure out that I was an imposter.
What We Believe About Ourselves
What we believe about ourselves has a huge impact on how show up in the world. The stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what we can accomplish become self-fulfilling prophecies. At a fundamental level if we believe that we can’t do something then there’s a good chance we’ll never even try.
Those beliefs that we have about ourselves coalesce into our identity.
As Marcus Aurelius reminds us:
“Such as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.”
—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations V.16
We create an image of who we are and who we can become because of those beliefs. Our identity of who we think we are drives our choices and our actions.
Some of those beliefs are encouraging, even energizing. Some of them are limiting and hold us back from becoming who we really want to be. Many of them we’re not even aware of, but they still have a big impact on us.
Where do These Beliefs Come From?
We believe who we are because of the past. We look at who we were and think that is who we are. We use examples of what we did in the past to reinforce who we think we are in the present. We think of our identity as this continuous flow from the past into the present and future.
We also have beliefs handed down to us. We get them from our parents and family, our friends, the community we live in, and even society as a whole. We’re constantly hearing other peoples opinions about us and we use their opinions to shape who we think we are. If people are always telling you that you’re smart, or talented, or kind, you adopt this as part of your identity.
We can infer beliefs by the way that we were raised. For example, because of the violent outburst from my father, I internalized that I wasn’t worth being loved, and that there was something inherently wrong with me. I used the external information around me and came up with a belief that just wasn’t true, even though it made sense when I was young.
Religion often gives us beliefs about ourselves that I personally think can be very damaging. For example, the idea of original sin, that we are born sinful and need to overcome our awfulness I think has been one of the worst teachings ever. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve talked to who left religion because of all the shame and guilt.
Fear
One of the things that keeps us from changing our self-beliefs is fear. We’re afraid that we’re not smart enough, or that we’ll never figure it out. The problem is when we’re afraid, rather than operating from a place of confidence, we operate out of a place of protection or desperation.
Sometimes we assume we’ll fail to avoid disappointment. I call this the “fear of success”. Why would we fear success? Because we’re afraid to have hope that we could succeed. So we assume that we’ll fail, so it doesn’t hurt as much when we do.
And to be honest, this is what happened to me. If I already knew I was going to fail then it wouldn’t hurt as much when I did. But this often causes us to feel twice as much disappointment—the fact that we didn’t believe in ourselves and that we failed.
When we feel fear around something, it’s because there is something to lose. It’s telling us that this is something that is important and meaningful. If we’re not feeling fear around the goals we’re trying to achieve, maybe it’s a goal that isn’t worthy of us.
If we give into fear and only do things that we’re comfortable with or we’re already good at, then we’ll never try anything new. We’ll never try to push our limits.
And while I didn’t have the success that I wanted, I did put in some effort and had some success. But I let that deep seated fear that I would fail get the better of me. It stopped me from taking steps to actually be successful.
So how do you move past fear? Is it something you just ignore? What if instead, you were able to accept that you might fail, but could let go of the fear of failure?
When we reframe failure as something inevitable but something you learn from, it’s a lot less scary. You’re probably not going to get it right the first time you try. But learning what doesn’t work is just as important as learning what does. If you learn a hard lesson early on when the stakes are low, you’re ready when the stakes are higher.
Changing Beliefs
So can we change beliefs about ourselves? Are we just who we are, and so trying to change into something else is going against our true nature?
First you have to understand that you can change. If you believe that you are a static unchanging person, then changing what you believe about yourself will be nearly impossible. And as someone who has changed a lot in my life, I can tell you changing yourself is very doable. In fact, it’s necessary.
Who you are is malleable, changeable, and always in flux. We change whether we like it or not. Circumstances and life events have an impact on who you become. But why wait for life to change you? You can choose to change and have a direct impact on who you become.
You need to adopt, as part of your identity, a mindset that the looks forward to change and embraces it. That the change is a natural part of life.
A natural tendency is to make up excuses to protect what you believe about yourself. It’s the ego holding on to who you think you are. It wants to protect the continuity of your identity, even if it isn’t helpful. You cling to what’s known, because it’s comforting. We tells ourselves that we can’t change or we don’t have the intelligence to learn how to change. But these are just excuses. Be aware of them, but don’t believe them.
One of my favorite quotes by Carl Jung is:
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
— Carl Jung
You be have to be aware of the limiting beliefs you have about yourself, before you can change them. This self-awareness is challenging because it means facing up to things that you may not want to admit out loud. But those beliefs are there nonetheless. Ignoring them doesn’t make them go away.
When you know what they are you can face up to them. Facing up to them allows you to challenge them. Do you think you’re stupid? Lazy? Disorganized? Unreliable? Whatever those beliefs are don’t be afraid of facing them. Deep down, you probably already know what beliefs you have about yourself, so just acknowledge them. Then you can start to change them.
A good way to catch some of these thing is to listen to the way that you talk about things. Anytime you hear yourself saying, “I can’t…” or “I don’t know how to do…” take note. Those are clear pointers to some beliefs you might have about yourself. A powerful tool to countering these is to add the word “yet” anytime you catch yourself saying these things.
Let Go of The Past
Next, we let go of the past. We need to let go of the past because it’s something that is unchangeable. It doesn’t define you are. Who were in the past doesn’t mean it’s who you are now or who you’ll be in the future.
When I think back on who I was ten or two years ago, I’m not the same person. I’m not the same as I was even 6 months ago. I think about where I was that June and feeling like a failure and that’s not who I am now. I took that failure, and that deep belief that I couldn’t be successful and used it as a launching point. I used all the tools that I’ve been learning and teaching in my podcast and built things back better.
In fact, I took all those tools and lessons I learned and turned them into a course that has helped others to apply these things in their lives. Those obstacles in my path became lessons in resilience. They helped me become stronger. They changed who I was as a person because I had to face up to those detrimental beliefs and change them.
External Proof
In Stoicism, we talk about only focusing on things under our control. Things like what others think about us or whether we’re successful are not things we can control, so we shouldn’t give too much weight to them.
And this is true to point. Things outside of us like circumstances and other peoples opinions of us shouldn’t tell us who we are and what we’re capable of.
But this should be approached with wisdom. External validation is helpful. It’s what we need to order to see if what we’re doing is working.
For example, if you want to be a professional speaker, you need to have a message or teach something that people are interested in and is helpful for them, and presented in a way that makes an impact. If what you’re sharing doesn’t resonate, then you need to be able to adjust and adapt.
You can use external proof as evidence that you’re on the right path. You can use those small successes to guide you. It becomes evidence that you can use when you struggle with those nagging doubts.
If someone else believes in you even when don’t, that is something you can lean on for a little while. But even then, you have to be open to it. You have to believe them, or at the very least, be open to believing them.
But, as in my case, sometimes even external proof can’t override your own internal beliefs. I know people who have been successful and attribute it to luck or that feel like they don’t deserve it.
Convincing yourself out of a belief is hard. I mean, have you ever tried to convince someone else out of a belief? I was a Mormon missionary so I know how challenging that is. And it’s the same with ourselves. When we have a belief about ourselves that is strong and deep, even if it’s wrong, changing it can be incredibly challenging.
Identity
All these steps are important, but they all lead to changing one important thing—your identity. When you change your identity, that changes things at the core.
But there’s an important thing to consider:
Identity comes first.
Evidence comes later.
An athlete doesn’t to train to prove they’re an athlete.
They train because they are an athlete.
They don’t try to be an athlete. They are either are or they aren’t.
When you decide to be an athlete, then that’s the day that you’re athlete.
You may not be good, but you are still an athlete.
You’re athlete because you decide that is part of who you are, and you take the steps necessary to to become a better athlete.
Epictetus teaches us this:
“Decide on what kind of person you will be, then act accordingly.”
— Epictetus
Think about it: what is the difference between a basketball player and someone that plays basketball? They both do the same tasks. They to dribble, pass, and shoot.
The difference is dedication. A basketball player is someone who has decided that this is their job. This is part of who they are. They show up at the gym to practice and improve because that’s what a basketball player does. Every practice is just evidence to themself that they are a basketball player.
When something becomes part of your identity, you act like that kind of person.
If you decide that you’re going to be a writer, then you get up everyday and you write. You learn the skills of writing. You do the unglamorous and boring things that are needed to be a professional writer.
The same goes with personal attributes. If you have a belief that you’re a selfish person and you don’t like that belief, change it. Decide that you are a generous person. Then start acting like it. Do things that are kind without seeking rewards. Find ways to volunteer your time. Give people genuine compliments.
As an example in my own life, I tried to start another podcast before I started the Stoic Coffee Break. I love movie soundtracks and I thought it would be interesting to make a podcast about soundtracks. I even picked up a domain name for it and recorded an episode. But because I believed that I would suck at it I made one episode, was super critical about the quality, then I quit and never worked on it again.
When I started this podcast, I decided that I wanted to be a podcaster, even if I sucked. I recorded the first 30 or so episodes on my iPhone even though I had plenty of high end audio equipment. I knew that I’d be overwhelmed and too critical if used the better equipment. I got in the daily practice of creating episodes, and putting them out. I was building evidence to prove that I was podcaster by doing what a podcaster should do.
As James Clear explains:
"Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity."
— James Clear
When you decide who you want to be, you do the things that need to be done, not because you like them, but because it’s what that kind of person would do. Just as there are parts of your job you don’t like but you do them anyway. It’s no different with yourself.
Conclusion
Who you believe yourself to be has a profound impact on your life. Who you think you are influences all your choices and actions. Uncovering those self-beliefs and changing them can make the difference in whether you push forward when things get hard, and even if you take a risk and try in the first place.
This week I want you to take some time to think about who you believe yourself to be. Pay attention to those beliefs, and see if there are some that you need to change to help you become the person you want to be.
I’ll leave you with another quote from James Clear:
"Progress requires unlearning. Becoming the best version of yourself requires you to continuously edit your beliefs, and to upgrade and expand your identity."
— James Clear
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