Transcript:
Hello friends. My name is Erick Cloward and welcome to the Stoic Coffee Break. The Stoic Coffee Break is a weekly podcast where I take aspects of Stoicism and do my best to break them down to the most important points. I share my thoughts on Stoic philosophy as well as my experiences, both my successes and my failures, and hope that you can learn something from them all within the space of a coffee break.
This week's episode is a Q & A episode. It's a kind of a conglomeration of different comments and direct messages that I've gotten to people. As well as questions that I get asked in daily life.
And so, but before we begin that, I want to show you this cute little thing that I got from one of my listeners. So it's a nice little 3d printed statue of Marcus Aurelius from my friend, Chris. So he's been listening to my podcast for several years and we've gotten to be pretty good friends and he's a great guy. So thanks, Chris.
Anyway, let's go ahead and start with this week's episode. So, the first question that I get asked all the time is why Stoic philosophy? Why do I follow Stoic philosophy? Why not Buddhism or one of the mainstream religions or any of those kind of things? Well, it comes down to a number of things…is that first, Stoic principles are very basic principles that have been part of my life even since I was a little kid in church and what my parents taught me.
So, there's nothing in it that contradicts my core values that I think are important. Like being kind to other people, helping out other people, being of service to others. And the thing that stoicism really helped me to figure out though, there were a couple of different things, but the first and foremost is understanding what I have control over and what I don't.
And this is a very important aspect for me because I used to be much more angry about a lot of things. Yeah. Which kind of belied my generally calm demeanor for the most part because then something small would happen and I would snap about it. And I never really understood why that was the case. But, it came down to there was a lot of anxiety and stress internally that I wasn't really dealing with because I didn't know how to deal with it.
And when I found Stoicism, and understanding the dichotomy of control, meaning the things that I have control over and the things I don't, it really helped me to start to see the world in a very different way. By understanding that I only have control over my thoughts and beliefs—my perspectives—, my choices, and my actions.
Then it really helped me to let go of all these other things that were outside of my control, and that if something was upsetting me, it was generally because of some kind of thinking that was going on in my head. And so understanding that I had control over the way that I thought about things and that I just had to look at the thoughts I was having around that and examine those things.
It made it so much easier for me to not get upset about a lot of things. I could let go of the things that I didn't have control over and just focus on those things that I did have control over. And that brought me tremendous amounts of peace in my life. And my general anxiety level is so much lower.
And when I am stressing about something, it's because it's something big that I'm struggling with, but it's not something that is outside of my control. It's just something that I either don't understand or there's some type of fear that's wrapped up in that, and I can look at that fear and start to examine that and work through that thought or that fear that's there, and start to do something about that.
And one of the big areas that stoicism really helped me with was understanding that I couldn't control what other people thought of me. So I used to be a real big people-pleaser. I would try to say things that I thought would make people like me. And oftentimes this came off as very disingenuous, uh, it can come off as manipulative because really that's what it is.
Because people wanted to know who I was, not necessarily that I would say things that they wanted to hear. So by understanding that I couldn't control other people and letting go of those things, it made a really big difference. Now, one of the reasons that I was so worried about what other people thought of me was that for a long time, because I was a people-pleaser, I needed that validation to feel like I was okay as a person.
And I had a big blowout and I talk about it in episode 218, so I highly recommend going back and listening to that one. It's all about self-acceptance. But what I found was that the reason I needed that validation, like I said, was because I didn't feel okay about myself. I didn't think I was a very good person.
So I took some time to figure out what was wrong with me. Why am I not a good person? Why do I need other people's validation to feel okay about myself? Which led me to another deeper level where I recognized that these things that I thought were awful about me were things that I hadn't really confronted.
So I sat down and I wrote down everything that I didn't like about myself. And I know that sounds a little bit crazy, but if I was going to figure out what was so bad about me, I needed to really know what that was. And so I wrote down everything I didn't like about myself, and I looked at the list, and realized that there was nothing on there that was all that bad.
In fact, they were some of the same things that my friend struggled with. And I still love them, even with all of their faults and their shortcomings. So why couldn't I do the same for myself? And in doing so, I just worked through accepting that these are things that I don't like about myself, and accepting those things.
One, because they were real. And two, because that's what self-acceptance is all about. It's easy to accept the things we like about ourself. It's hard to accept the things we don't like. But that's where true self-acceptance comes in, is looking at all of those things and going, yep, I do those things sometimes, and accepting that it's just a part of you. And that really can change so much in your life. You can be much more accepting of yourself, obviously, and you can also be much more accepting of others and their faults.
The other thing that Stoicism has really helped me with is that the four cardinal virtues, meaning wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance, meaning self discipline, are all things that are, have now become core principles in my life.
When I'm dealing with something, when I'm making a decision about something, I ask myself a couple of different questions. I ask, am I acting wisely? And considering how my actions will impact myself and others, not just in the short term, but also what are the second and third order effects of my actions?
Do I have the courage to do the right thing, especially when it's hard? Am I practicing discipline in my life and keeping the commitments that I've made to myself and to others? And am I taking action that helps the common good rather than only looking out for my own narrow selfish desires? And asking myself these questions helps to build a better balance in my life and to make progress in areas where I want to improve.
And when I follow these principles, the natural outgrowth of that is that I will treat others well and I will be honest and transparent in my relationships. If I act according to these virtues, then if others dislike or disagree with me, I'm still okay with my actions because I've, I've done what I feel is the right thing to do.
And it doesn't mean that I have to agree with everything everybody else says or disagree with everything everybody else says, but I can take other's opinions without taking them personally because I feel like I'm doing the right thing. But then it also allows me to examine. Am I actually doing the right thing if other people are telling me that it's not?
Now, even with this perspective, I still doubt myself. I still struggle. It's not an easy thing to do, but I can always look at things more honestly and openly and objectively. And when I ask myself those questions, it's It helps clarify whether or not I should do that thing and if I'm acting in a way that I'm proud of.
So the next question is based on a comment that somebody posted on one of my videos. So I was talking about how you shouldn't try to be responsible for other people's emotions. That if you do something and other people don't like it, or you say something and other people don't like it, then it's up to them to take responsibility for their emotions.
And, so, they basically said, “Well, this sounds like a very narcissistic way to act in the world….” Uh, something along those lines. So, that's the, that, which leads me to this question. Are Stoics narcissists? Well, I would say, no. Because, as I've mentioned before, understanding what you can and can't control is a big part of Stoic philosophy.
And one of the most important aspects of that idea is that you control your emotions and you don't take responsibility for controlling other people's emotions. The difference is that you care about the things that you do and how they impact others, but you don't take responsibility for how others receive it because it's something that's completely outside of your control.
Whereas somebody who is a narcissist, when they say or do things, they want other people to change for them. They try to manipulate other people to get what they want. Rather than allowing other people to have their emotions and respecting that, they try to manipulate the other people. And they usually try to do so with their emotions, emotional manipulation.
And the thing is that stoicism with its objectivity is actually very helpful for dealing with people who are narcissists because you can start to recognize when they're starting to manipulate you emotionally, when they're trying, if they get upset, they try to get you angry to try and manipulate you, because you have a little bit of distance there and you're in control of your emotions and you're not trying to control or take responsibility for the other person's emotions.
It's much easier to spot when people are trying to manipulate you that way.
All right, the next question. How does stoicism help you develop a stronger sense of agency in your life? Well, because you recognize how little you control and how many things are outside of your control. You don't wait around for the world to change to suit you. You look at the things that you have control over and you take action on those things.
So, I was discussing this with a friend of mine the other day. And this goes back to another episode I had where I talk about what I call the two sides of the same coin. And if you want to think about a coin, on one side you have the things you can control and on the other side the things you can't control.
And when you are controlling the things that you can and you're taking action, then you have agency in your life. You are being responsible for yourself. You're being responsible for your choices. And with that responsibility actually comes more power in your life. If you are complaining about all of the things that are outside of your control, and you're trying to control those and you're not doing the things that you can actually have any influence or control over, then you allow yourself to become a victim.
So, how many times have you had a friend or a loved one complaining about the things that are happening to them in the world and they're really upset about it, and then you offer a suggestion of something they could do about it, and they just brush it off. If they're doing that, if they're not willing to take any kind of action to change their situation, And they blame everything outside of them for what's wrong.
That's what a victim is.
And I've seen this throughout my life. I know that I've done it myself plenty of times. But now in my life, I never feel like a victim because whenever anything happens, I look at what I can do about it. I understand that circumstances, events happen in my life, that I have absolutely no control over and I can be frustrated by it, but I don't sit and blame it and hope that things will change outside of myself. It's like Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” When something's happening, you have to take action. The world isn't going to change to suit you.
Now the last question I had was from someone on Instagram. Uh, his name is Eric as well. Hi Eric, from Erick. And let me read this off to you. He sent me a direct message and he said, “I’ve listened to your Antidote to Anger episode several times. Now I'm curious what or where I can find the answer to this. If I accept a person for who they are, and who they are conflicts with my values, can I truly accept them? Is it possible to fully accept people for who they are, and still not care for them, to still be angered by them?”
And the answer is, yes.
Acceptance of another person for exactly who they are is just that. It's just facing reality. That this is the kind of person they are. These are the attributes they have. And this is who they want to be in life. It doesn't mean that you have to allow them in your life. It doesn't mean that you have to agree with the things that they do.
It doesn't mean you have to side with them when you disagree with them. What it means to accept another person is just to see who they really are and be okay with that. And sometimes that may be somebody that you don't like and that you don't want to be around. That's totally okay. You can still accept them for who they are, but it doesn't mean that you have to put up with the things that they do.
And a good way to think about this is when we take this and we look at, at boundaries. And I've talked about boundaries a lot on here because I think they're very, very important in establishing healthy relationships, and helping you and others get along well. So in a situation like this, where there's somebody whose values clash with yours, you can set boundaries of how much time you spend with them.
You can, and, let's define boundaries a little bit. A boundary is not setting an ultimatum. It is not telling somebody, if you do this, or telling somebody that they shouldn't do something, or that they need to change. A boundary is simply letting them know, if they take a particular action, what your response will be.
That's it.
So if you're, if you have a friend who's maybe loves telling racist jokes or something about that, like that, and you don't really like being around them, you can let them know, “Hey, when you start going off on your racist jokes, I'm going to leave because that's just not something I want to spend any time around with. I don't need that energy in my life.”
Or if somebody is regularly abusive towards you, you can let them know, “Hey, this is where the line is. When you start acting this way, I'm just going to have to leave.” Whatever it is, it's you letting them know what your response to their actions will be.
It is never an ultimatum or a demand that they change.
It is simply you taking responsibility for the things that you can and you making a choice. Based upon what their actions are and letting them know what those are. And those boundaries are often times very hard to set. Because sometimes people get really upset when you start setting boundaries. One, because it shines a light on some of their behavior that's probably not very good.
And most people know that, but they don't necessarily want to own up to it. So some people can be offended when you, when you set a boundary. It also changes the dynamic of a relationship. If they're used to being able to just walk all over you or say whatever they want and get away with it, and you are changing the terms of the relationship, that oftentimes can set them off because they feel like they're losing control in that relationship.
So, those are some things to consider. That yes, you can still accept somebody for exactly who they are. One, because you kind of have to. Because you're accepting who they really are and that's accepting reality. But there are things that you can do in that situation, um, if you find that this person isn't somebody that you want to spend time with.
So that's the end of this week's Stoic Coffee Break. As always, be kind to yourself, Be kind to others and thanks for listening.
Also, if you would like to have a question featured on an upcoming episode, then you can contact me on social media. You can find me on Instagram and LinkedIn, or I'm sorry, Instagram and threads at stoic.coffee. And LinkedIn, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and TikTok at StoicCoffee, all one word. If you comment on this post or comment on any of my other posts and ask a question, I'll do my best to either put it in another episode or maybe it can be a complete episode if the topic is big enough. So thanks again for listening and have a great day.
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