Love is the greatest thing in the world. We're all trying to build relationships that enrich our lives. But can Stoicism help us love better? Today I want to talk about how Stoicism can help you be a more loving person.
"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart."
—Marcus Aurelius
I've had several listeners ask me to talk about how Stoicism can help in building better relationships. While the Stoics didn't write much about romantic relationships, the principles they teach can strengthen relationships with romantic partners, friends, family, and fellow humans.
Before I start giving relationship advice, here's my disclaimer: I've failed in my most significant romantic relationships. My marriage of seven and a half years ended in 2006. My last long-term relationship lasted nine years and ended far less amiably. I've spent a lot of time trying to understand what went wrong and what I can do better. These aren't just theories—they're lessons learned from mistakes I hope you can avoid.
So here are my thoughts...
The Myth of Incompleteness
So many of us are looking for love to fill the missing parts of us, the places where we feel empty. We've been sold this idea that we're incomplete and that to feel whole, we have to find our other half.
From novels of unrequited love to songs of longing, the myth of the perfect "other" that makes us whole—our soulmate—while emotionally appealing, has caused great unhappiness. This idea that we're somehow deficient and only another person can complete us puts us in a constant state of lack.
We also confuse outward displays of romance for love itself. Presents, lavish weddings, anniversaries. It's like a dance we've learned—we go through the steps, but at the end we're still left feeling like something's missing.
Don't get me wrong—I'm not a cynic about love. I think love is wonderful. Love is the true north we should all align our lives towards. It's the most important orientation we can have. But it's not what's displayed outwardly that matters. It's the quiet, gentle trust of loving and being loved and accepted for exactly who we are.
Don't Confuse Attraction with Love
We can't control what we're attracted to. Maybe it's someone's smile, their eyes, their sense of humor. Attraction just happens—that's why when we talk about magnets, we use the term "attraction." Iron filings have no choice but to move toward the magnet.
We confuse attraction with love. We think that because we like aspects of another person, we must love them. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone—it's why we're drawn to them in the first place. But when attraction drives why we love someone, we often overlook things that aren't good for us. I had a friend who stayed with a beautiful partner who treated him badly and drove him into severe depression. Once he left, it took years to heal from the emotional damage.
Strong Emotions Aren't Love Either
We sometimes confuse strong emotions for love. Ever been in a relationship where you'd fight viciously only to make up feeling renewed closeness? This yo-yo of emotions can become addictive. If we feel this strongly, we must surely love them! Right?
That's not to say you won't have arguments in relationships. But if those arguments aren't truly resolving issues, they become unhealthy and cause long-term damage. They turn into a vicious cycle of repeated emotional turmoil.
The Stoics remind us to beware of passions—overly strong emotions. In the heat of these emotions, we aren't rational. Our thinking isn't clear and we make poor choices or overlook things that aren't good for us.
As Seneca writes:
"Friendship always benefits; love sometimes wounds."
Build relationships on friendship and trust, not on overwhelming romantic desires.
Loving vs. Being Loved
You can't choose who loves you. You can only choose who you love.
The Stoics teach us to understand what we can and can't control. You control yourself—your thoughts, choices, and actions. You can't control other people or what they think of you. It's the same with love.
You can't decide who loves you. You can do everything you think will make them love you and they still might not. You can't earn someone's love.
When it comes to love, it's not about how much you get—it's about how much you give, which is the one thing under your control.
Epictetus said:
"If you wish to be loved, love."
When you orient yourself toward giving love, you're controlling what you can. You're controlling how you show up in the world.
Erich Fromm put it well: "Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole."
Rather than worrying about the love you get, focus on the love you give. If you're a loving person, love will come back to you. Just as if you want close friends, you need to be a good friend.
Love Without Expectations
One key lesson from Stoicism is acceptance. Because things outside yourself aren't under your control, you stop thinking the world should be a certain way and accept it for what it is.
We should do the same with love. I call this loving without expectations.
As Alain de Botton said:
"To love someone is to accept them for who they are, rather than who we would like them to be."
When you love with expectations, you're not loving and accepting the person for who they are, but for who you want them to be. You have an idea of who they should be, and it may not be who they want to become.
When you love without expectations, you love them as they are and support them becoming who they want to become. They may never change, or they may change completely. Your job is to love them anyway.
Epictetus said:
"Don't demand or expect that events happen as you would wish them to. Accept events as they actually happen."
He meant this about other people and their actions too.
You can't control other people. It's up to your partner to decide who they want to be. A good partner offers the same support for you to become who you want to be.
Imagine if your partner came home and decided you should learn painting. You have no interest—you play guitar in your free time. But they're insistent. They drop hints, buy paints and canvases. Over time, you'd start resenting them.
We do things like this all the time when we have expectations about who our partners should be and how they should act.
The Stoics advocate for love that is free from excessive attachment and dependency. Because true happiness isn't dependent on external things, you can love freely without disappointment.
Loving With Standards
Does loving without expectations mean you should put up with everything? No.
This is where standards, preferences, and boundaries come in.
Standards are the values that are important to you in a relationship—the non-negotiables. They define what you'll accept and what you won't. For example, kindness is important to me in a partner—not just toward me, but toward others. Cheating is a red line because it speaks to trustworthiness.
Preferences are different from standards. Think of standards as part of someone's character and preferences as behaviors. We may prefer our partner is always on time or texts us frequently. These are things where we need to be flexible, not rigid.
Boundaries are about what you'll do when your standards are crossed. They aren't ultimatums—those try to control the other person. Boundaries clarify what actions you'll take when someone crosses your values. They may choose to act the same way, but then it's your choice what you're going to do.
Love Yourself
So many of us are searching for love. To find that person who fills the empty spaces inside us. We search for someone to fill the loneliness, to make us feel okay with ourselves. The one that makes us whole.
Others can't make us whole. They can't fill the void we feel. No matter how much we want them to fix what's "wrong" with us, no one else can do that.
The only way to be truly whole is to love yourself.
Rumi said it best:
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
You are the one you've been looking for this whole time.
When you are whole, rather than desperately grabbing all the love you can, you overflow with it. You realize love is something you can give easily and freely, not something to be hoarded.
But until you love yourself, you'll always feel its lack. The more you try to cling to love, the less you have of it.
Until you love yourself, you'll always look for someone else to give you the love you need. But no matter how much they pour into you, how supportive and giving they are, it won't make a damn bit of difference until you believe you are truly worthy of love.
If you're starved of love, no matter how much someone tries to love you, it's not enough. You're like a cup with a hole in the bottom. It doesn't matter how much someone pours in—it keeps draining out. There is never enough.
Let me say this clearly: you are always worthy of love.
Love is a gift from someone else—not because you earned it, but because they want to give it. You need to learn to accept it, and the only way to truly accept it is to love yourself.
More importantly, to be loving to others, you need to love yourself.
How to Love Yourself
When you feel unlovable and someone tells you to love yourself, it feels impossible. They may as well tell you to climb Mount Everest in a bathing suit.
But I discovered a secret: don't try to love yourself. Try to accept yourself.
Until you accept everything about yourself, you can't love yourself.
Acceptance of Your Shadow
In episode 354 on self-value, I talked about an exercise I do with coaching clients. I have them write down everything they don't like about themselves. Once they've done that, they go over each item and simply accept it. They don't have to love or even like those things—just accept them.
This is important because we neglect the shadow parts of ourselves. We're terrified to see who we really are. We're afraid that if we take off the mask and look in the mirror, we'll be horrified. But this exercise is just looking at who you believe yourself to be. The things you write down will either be true or things you believe are true, which makes them true to you.
When I recommend this exercise, people usually have a startled or even scared look on their face. I did this with a friend who was terrified to the point of tears at the thought of writing things down. But once she did it, she said it wasn't nearly as scary—everything on the list was something she already knew but was afraid to acknowledge.
Nothing on that list will be anything other people haven't gone through. More than likely, your friends have struggled with the same things. You're still their friend even though they aren't perfect. You know their faults and still love them. So why not be that friend to yourself?
This won't change things immediately, but over time it shifts something deep within you. You'll be less judgmental of yourself, less hard on yourself. You'll be less judgmental of others because once you accept yourself for exactly who you are, you're better able to accept others.
Soon, you'll start to like yourself, and even love yourself.
We all want others to accept us for who we are. But how can others love us for who we are if we don't give that same gift of acceptance to ourselves?
When You Love Yourself
When you learn to love yourself, love is given freely, without expectations. You give love because it's who you are. It's how you orient yourself to the world. Love is not transactional. You don't need to cling to others to fill what's missing because there isn't anything missing. You're not a perfect person, but a whole person.
Erich Fromm reminds us:
"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'"
Because you don't need others to heal your wounds and you aren't grasping or needy, you choose who you're with because you want to be with them, not because you need them. You move from desperately needing love to generously giving love.
When you're whole, you'll find others who are also whole. Others who give love because it's who they are. When you meet people who aren't and who are trying to fill their own gaps, you're supportive because you've been there. You can help them see how to become whole.
You also respect yourself. When others cross your boundaries or violate your values, you make a choice. You communicate what works and what doesn't—not from anger or resentment, but from love. You decide if they're someone you want in your life. You give them chances, but you're not afraid to make tough choices about who you want around.
Conclusion
While the Stoics didn't talk much about romantic love, I've found that Stoicism has helped me become a more loving person. When your happiness comes from within, you aren't dependent on other people to make you happy, which leads to a more free and open kind of love. You become a better partner by becoming a better person. You build relationships that support mutual growth while maintaining independence and fostering stronger emotional connections.
Khalil Gibran put it nicely:
"Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls."
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