What does it mean to be a man? How do our perceptions and ideas about masculinity hinder men from living full and happy lives? Today we’re going to dive into how Stoicism can help us develop a more healthy definition of masculinity.
"We teach boys that being vulnerable is being weak. And then we wonder why men die of loneliness surrounded by people."
—Terry Real
In our culture there has been an idea of masculinity that to be a “real man” is to be tough and strong. A “real man” always puts on a good front. He will never admit when he’s scared, or sad. He won’t cry at a friends funeral because he doesn’t want to look weak. Any discussions how he feels are the moment are shut down with, “I’m fine”.
We see it in our movies and in our stories. We see it online with influencers displaying a kind of hyper-masculinity that is all about domination and the trappings of success. But this kind of man who white-knuckles through life is actually being controlled by his emotions, not mastering them.
But let’s look at the numbers. Men make up 80% of suicide deaths, and suicide is one of the leading causes of death for men under 50. Men make up 96% of inmates in prison, and 80% of violent crimes are committed by men.
Men are not doing “fine”.
So let’s talk about some of the ideas about masculinity in our culture, and why so many men and those around them are suffering because of it.
Act 1: The Problem
"The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you."
—David Foster Wallace
About 20 years ago I was going through my divorce, and while it was amicable, I felt like a failure. I had tried to be a good husband, but when I look back on my marriage, I see that I didn’t share a lot of my real self with my ex-wife. I felt like I was not good person, and therefore not worthy of love, no matter how hard she tried to convince me that I was. I was scared that if she knew who I really was or if I shared the dark emotions that I felt, she’d hate me. So I kept a lot of how I felt to myself.
After my divorce I decided that I really needed to do some soul searching and figure out what kind of man I wanted to be. I realized that if I continued the way I was going, I’d end up repeating the same mistakes in my future relationships. And while I made some progress, I did end up repeating the some of the same mistakes.
The Three “Male” Emotions
One of the things I noticed as I began to look at the men around me, was that most men tended to have 3 states: Happy, okay, and angry. I noticed that this was often how I was—in private I would feel crushing sadness when I missed being with my kids, but in public or even around friends, I was “fine”.
Over time, as I began to meet other men who would actually talk about their feelings, I mentioned my observations about men and the “three states” that I noticed. Many of them said they noticed the same thing. The fear of being seen as weak in society has a powerful influence on the emotions men are allowed to express. The worst thing for many men is to be seen as weak or vulnerable.
The “Acceptable” Dark Emotion
The other realization we came to was that negative emotions tended to get funneled into anger, because it is the only “acceptable” negative emotion for men to express. Whether it’s fear, sadness, or loneliness, it gets expressed as anger.
Anger feels like power. It feels like a protective shield when you feel vulnerable. It’s feels like action against the fear.
Jackson Katz, author of The Macho Paradox, expresses it well:
“Countless men deal with their vulnerability by transferring vulnerable feelings to feelings of anger. The anger then serves to ‘prove’ that they are not, in fact, vulnerable, which would imply they are not man enough to take the pressure.”
I mean how many times when men show vulnerability are they told to “man up”? When they’re young and upset about something they heard, “I’ll give you something to cry about”? Admit that you’re lonely? “You’re a loser”. Afraid? “You’re a coward”. Every weak emotion they showed was driven instead towards expressing anger. We were taught that anger was the only correct dark emotion to feel.
Where’s the Joy?
Another realization that I had over this time was that men have a hard time feeling joy. I remember times when I was feeling joyful about something and I would start to second guess how I was feeling. There were so many times when I would ruin my own mood because I felt like I was not allowed to feel that emotion.
“We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
—Brené Brown
When you turn off your other emotions, it’s hard to feel the full spectrum of emotions. It’s like you shut the down the whole system. You need sadness to feel joy. You need to feel loss in order to appreciate what you have.
The biggest problem with men not being allowed to have other emotions is that it creates a shame spiral: feeling things you're "not supposed to feel" → shame about having feelings → more suppression
This creates a vicious cycle that many men don’t even realize that they’re in.
The Success Paradox
Now a lot of men cope with these feelings of inadequacy by becoming very successful. For them, external achievement masks their internal emptiness. They chase women, buy expensive houses and cars. They use accomplishments, status, physical prowess as compensation to show to the outside world that they are okay. But the thing is, it’s never enough. Every accomplishment they achieve doesn’t matter. They still feel empty. It’s like the goalposts keep moving because external validation can't fix internal wounds.
An example of this is Johnny Cash. He was one of the most successful musicians ever. He built an empire, had everything a man was "supposed" to want. But he nearly destroyed himself with addiction because he never dealt with the childhood trauma and shame he carried. It wasn't until he got sober and started actually processing his pain (not just white-knuckling through it) that he created his most powerful work - the American Recordings.
The vulnerable Cash was stronger than the invincible Cash.
Act 2: What Stoicism Actually Teaches
Clarifying the Misunderstanding
Now one of the most misunderstood aspects of Stoicism is that being a Stoic means that you suppress your emotions. And it is crucial to clear up this misunderstanding because so many people get this wrong. The Stoics advocated for understanding emotions, not eliminating them. They understood that feeling emotions was natural and that we need to learn to navigate them rather than suppress them.
Marcus Aurelius in his Meditations wrote about grief, loneliness, frustration - he felt it all. He didn’t try to suppress how he felt, but wrote about his emotions so he could gain insight into how to deal with them better. Think about that, Meditations was not about his victories or his triumphs. It was all about dealing with the things he struggle with, including his emotions.
Epictetus distinguished between what we control (our responses) and what we don't (our initial feelings)
“Don't let the force of the impression when first it hits you knock you off your feet; just say to it, "Hold on a moment; let me see who you are and what you represent. Let me put you to the test.”
—Epictetus
The Core Principle
"What you resist, persists" - unprocessed emotions don't disappear, they go underground. The more you push them down the powerful they get. It’s like a volcano. On there surface everything seems fine. But underneath the surface pressure is building up and unless that pressure is released in smaller doses, it reaches a point where it explodes and causes serious damage.
When emotions are suppressed, they show up in other areas of your life. You are controlled by them.
This is what Carl Jung meant when he said:
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
Those suppressed emotions emerge as: chronic anger, anxiety, depression, physical symptoms, self-destructive behaviors, relationship problems. Those emotions don’t go away just because you ignore them.
I can speak from personal experience.
I had a lot of painful stuff that I hadn’t dealt with in my past. I didn’t know how to talk about all the fear, sadness, and even loneliness that I felt. I had hard time trusting that I could show any vulnerability to anyone. it was like I had this open wound. Any time there was pressure on that wound I would react with anger trying to protect myself.
Act 3: A New Definition of Masculinity
Emotional Courage
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
—James Baldwin
Real strength means facing what's uncomfortable rather than running away from or suppressing how you feel.
Sitting down and naming emotions specifically (not just "fine" or "angry") takes courage
Sitting with grief, disappointment, sadness, and fear without needing to "fix" it immediately, and without funneling it into anger.
Being vulnerable is not a weakness. Pushing away your emotions is. Vulnerability as an active choice takes real strength.
"A warrior is not about perfection or victory or invulnerability. He's about absolute vulnerability."
—Maxime Lagacé
The Stoic Masculine Virtues
- Wisdom: Understanding your emotional landscape
- Courage: Facing difficult feelings rather than running
- Justice: Being present and honest in relationships which you can't be if you're emotionally absent
- Temperance: Responding rather than reacting; choosing your path rather than being swept away by your emotions
What This Looks Like in Practice
- Processing emotions rather than being controlled by them
- You can feel deep sadness AND take effective action
- You can acknowledge fear AND move forward
- You can express love AND maintain boundaries
Act 4: The Path Forward
"The wound is the place where the Light enters you."
—Rumi
PrStepsactical
Build you emotional vocabulary by expanding beyond the "big three”.
Start to name your emotions. There are so many and some are nuanced, and understanding what you’re feeling is vital to processing them. Rather than just saying you’re “angry”, maybe see if you’re feeling humiliated, bitter, or frustrated. A great way to increase your emotional vocabulary is to use an Emotion Wheel. I’ll post link to one in the show notes or you can just search for one online.
Practice of checking in with yourself.
See how you feel at various times through the day. Explore those emotions. You can get to know what it’s like to feel sadness, grief, disappointment, content, and optimistic. If you’re not sure of what you’re feeling try to describe it to someone you trust. The process of just explaining it is a great way to explore what’s going on inside and getting to know yourself better.
Journaling as a Stoic practice (Marcus Aurelius did it).
Don’t write about the events of the day, but rather try to explain all the things that you are feeling, including physical sensations. Try to use some of the more nuanced emotional descriptions rather than just the broad categories of “good” or “bad” or “sad”.
Seeking help as an act of strength, not weakness.
There is nothing wrong with seeking out professional help. I went to therapy for many years to work on getting my anger under control, and exploring why I felt like I couldn’t mange my emotions.
Surround yourself with those who are supportive and non-judgmental about how you feel. The irony is that we all want to be loved for who we are. But if you don’t share who you are with others they never get to know the real you. In fact, sharing is often how we get to know ourselves better.
The Invitation
- Reframe: "What if the strongest thing I could do right now is feel this?"
- The man who hides from his emotions is afraid of them. He’s afraid of facing the hurt he’s feeling.
- The man with strength steps up actually faces them. He’s not afraid to feel what he’s feeling. He recognizes that what he’s feeling won’t hurt or kill him.
- This work doesn't make you less masculine - it makes you more whole
Conclusion
Twenty years ago when I was going through my divorce, I realized that my definition of masculinity, which was what I learned because of the way that I had been raised, wasn’t working. The anger that was a key factor in bringing a close to my marriage was something that I knew I needed to understand and change, but I didn’t know how. It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am today. I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I hope that you can learn from them, and learn the hard lessons now rather than years down the road.
But even beyond relationships, not being in touch with your emotions causes so much damage to you as a person. Repressing your emotions means that you’re controlled by everything you feel. You’re at the whim of external circumstances. The slightest bit of criticism can spin you out. You’re emotionally fragile, but you try to protect yourself with anger.
A person who is in touch with their emotions knows who they are. They can take the hard times that life dishes out. They can take meanest comments without reacting with anger. Rather than feeling the need to defend against criticism, they can get curious about it and see if there is truth to it.
The man who can sit with his grief, acknowledge his fears, and still choose his response - that's strength. That's what the Stoics were actually teaching. That's the masculinity we need.
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