Beating yourself up doesn’t make you better person. Hating yourself doesn’t motivate you more. So what’s the difference between holding yourself high standards and punishing yourself for failure? In this episode we discuss the two warring voices in each of us — the inner critic and the inner coach.
“If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.” ― Epictetus
The Problem
When I was growing up, I used to be incredibly hard on myself. I had this belief that I had to be perfect. Much of this came from growing up Mormon. The standards that I was told that I had to follow were really, for me, unobtainable. I tried so hard to do everything right, be the perfect person, and beat myself up when I thought I had failed. You believe that if you just follow all these rules and act the way you’re supposed to, that you’ll finally be happy. My mom even told me that she was afraid to criticize me about anything because I was already so hard on myself she didn’t want to drag me down even further.
But here’s the thing: you can’t hate yourself into being a better person. Hating yourself might give you some short term motivation and energy, but it doesn’t help you be a happier, thriving person.
The standards that I had handed to me made me miserable. Because I judged myself so harshly, I also judged others really harshly too. I had this hardline view of how others were supposed to behave. When others made mistakes, rather than being compassionate and kind, I was often as judgmental towards them as I was towards myself.
Another thing that happens when you’re that hard on yourself, is that when others give you feedback or criticism, it always feels like an attack. I felt like it was unfair. I was trying hard wasn’t I? I was doing my best!
But it wasn’t their criticism that was the problem. Because I was already judging myself so harshly, it felt like I was being picked on. Rather than seeing it as correction and feedback, I saw as judgment being piled on what I was dishing out to myself.
So where does this come from?
Shame.
Shame that I wasn’t living up to those standards. Through that perfectionist lens, I saw my failures as a personal reflection of me. Not “I failed at something”, but “I am a failure as a person”. And because of that shame, I couldn’t look at my failures objectively. I looked at them as proof that I was as bad a person as I thought I was. Each mistake was just another item on my checklist as proof that I was not a good person.
In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown, a well-regarded researcher on shame, puts it perfectly:
“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” — Brené Brown
Those impossible standards that we hold for ourselves keep us stuck in a spiral because we can’t ever achieve them, then use them as proof that we’re a failure. She puts is simply:
“We cannot grow when we are in shame, and we can't use shame to change ourselves or others.” — Brené Brown
The Philosophy
So how do we move past this shaming and harsh self-criticism and become less judgmental about ourselves, without abandoning high standards?
Some people think that Stoicism is about keeping unrealistic standards for ourselves, being unbending and unyielding. Even Marcus Aurelius said, “Be tolerant of others and strict with yourself.” But when he said that, what he meant was that you shouldn’t judge others by the standards you hold for yourself. They may have a different set of values and a different idea of what is important. You shouldn’t expect others to live the way you do.
The Stoics, while they were strict with themselves and trying to live up to their principles, had a clear understanding that humans are fallible. We make mistakes. We screw things up. We’re not automatons. Therefore perfection is impossible.
One of my favorite quotes from Epictetus is:
“The ignorant blame others for their own misfortune. To blame oneself is proof of progress. But the wise see all blame as foolishness.” — Epictetus
But I’ll admit, when I first read this, I didn’t truly understand it. How do you not blame anyone? If something goes wrong, isn’t there someone to blame?!
Over time, I started to understand: things happen. Life happens. Nothing will ever work out perfectly.
Then I read a different translation of this quote and it fully clicked:
“Small-minded people habitually reproach others for their own misfortunes. Average people reproach themselves. Those who are dedicated to a life of wisdom understand that the impulse to blame something or someone is foolishness, that there is nothing to be gained in blaming, whether it be others or oneself.” — Epictetus
While it may feel good to blame someone, where does that get you? Rather than worry about who is to blame, accept that it happened, try to understand it as best you can, and get back to work. Sitting in rumination and blame is just a waste of time and energy.
The Virtues
And this is where the four cardinal Stoic virtue comes in.
One of the things that I appreciate about the four virtues (wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance), is that they offer a clear way to of how to treat yourself. When you make a mistake you can use them to look at the situation.
Wisdom is the practice of discernment, to be able to see things for what they are, not the story you’re telling yourself. You remove the judgment, which allows you to see that facts clearly. This gets to the root of what really happened without all the assumptions and self-recrimination. It also allows you to see that you’re not the only person who has ever made this mistake.
Courage helps you to look at a situation and own up to your mistakes. It’s being able to be honest with yourself so that you can take responsibility for your part. Courage means that you’re willing to step up and try and fix things when you have screwed up rather than becoming defensive or avoidant.
Justice is all about fairness. When you’re too hard on yourself, you’re not being fair with yourself. You believe that you’re not worthy because you’re a bad person and deserved to be punished. But justice says the opposite. Justice means that you treat yourself with fairness, kindness, and compassion. It doesn’t mean that you let yourself off the hook, but rather you stop holding yourself to an impossible standard. You accept that you’re human just like the rest of us.
Temperance means that you find that healthy balance between holding impossibly high standards and lowering them to the point where they are meaningless. If your standards are too high from what’s even possible, then you’ll continue down that shame spiral. If they’re too low, then they have no meaning. Standards, meaning the quality of how you do something, are aspirational. You may not always meet them, but you can always strive for them. They should push you to be better, but not so far out of reach they can’t be met.
But I need to make a distinction here: standards are how you do something. Expectations are a hoped for outcome. One you can control, one you can’t. When you fail to meet your standards, you can do something about it. When you expect something to work out a certain way, that’s outside of your control.
The Practice
So how do you move past this? What can you do be better, to hold high standards, and still be kind to yourself?
Most of us have two competing internal voices: the inner critic and the inner coach.
The inner critic operates through shame, fear, and inadequacy. It’s brutal you when you fall short. It says: you’re lazy, you’re weak, you’ll never be good enough. When you actually do perform well, it tells you: you could have done better, it was luck, or you don’t deserve it. The inner critic is effective at producing effort but terrible at producing long term wellbeing or sustainable performance.
The inner coach is clear and honest in its assessment. It’s genuine invested in your growth. It holds you to your standards because it believes in what you’re building and genuinely has your best interest at heart. It says: “Okay, you fell short of your standard. Here’s what really happened and here’s what do to do differently. Now get back to work.” When you perform well, it acknowledges it and builds on it. When you fall short, it’s honest without being cruel. The inner coach is demanding, not punishing.
In his Meditations, Marcus Aurelius often called out his failures in order to live up to his principles. It wasn’t self-flagellation. He wrote to recognize the patterns, note where he fell short, renew his commitments, then got back to work. No spiraling or drama. Just an honest assessment followed up by renewed action.
Healthy Self-Criticism
So let’s talk about what healthy self-criticism looks like because this is where most people get it wrong. There’s a difference between holding yourself accountable and being cruel to yourself. It’s a subtle but important distinction.
Healthy self-criticism looks like this:
- Specific: “I didn’t prepare enough” rather than “I’m a failure”
- Behavioral: focused on actions rather than identity
- Forward looking: asking “what will I do differently?” rather than dwelling on what went wrong
- Proportionate: the size of the self-correction matches the size of the actual failure
- Brief: it processes the failure and moves on rather than ruminating
Unhealthy self-criticism is the opposite of this. It’s global (“I always do this”), identity-based (“I’m just not disciplined”), backward-looking (“I failed”), disproportionate, and ruminative.
This leads us to create a story that isn’t based on reality, but rather distorted and exaggerated. Because we’re caught in ruminating, we punish ourselves over and over and spiral out.
The Stoics would see unhealthy self-criticism as a failure of discerning impressions: accepting a distorted and exaggerated story as the truth. The Stoic practice is to examine your impressions to see if they are actually true: do you always fail? Do you really have no discipline?
The inner coach helps you see a clear-eyed version of the truth, supported by the facts. It encourages you to take corrective action rather than sitting in rumination. It would tell you the failure here is the harsh judgments you place on yourself, not the failure itself.
The Evening Review
The Stoics had a simple practice called the Evening Review that illustrates how you can apply this in your life. Seneca described it in his letters:
“When the light has been taken away and my wife has fallen silent, aware as she is of my habit, I examine my entire day, going through what I have done and said. I conceal nothing from myself, I pass nothing by. I have nothing to fear from my errors when I can say: ‘See that you do not do this anymore. For the moment, I excuse you.’” — Seneca
We can break this out into three simple questions:
- What did I do well today that I want to build on?
- Where did I fall short of my standards, and what specifically happened?
- What will I do differently tomorrow?
The reason why this is so effective is that it’s simple, honest, and built on encouragement, not punishment.
Conclusion
We’re all going to make mistakes and have failures. It’s part of being human. But every time you let the inner critic take control, you’re doubling the failure — the original event, and the self-punishment afterwards. It’s kicking yourself when you’re already down. The inner coach on the other hand is a wise mentor, there to help you learn from mistakes and turn them into fuel for future growth.
To be clear, this is not letting yourself off the hook. It’s not an excuse or a way to lower your standards. It’s about honest assessment to gain a more realistic view why you failed and how you can take corrective action. The inner coach is encouraging yet demanding and wants you to hold to your standards. But it sees the standards as an aspiration, not as the iron rule.
The next time your inner critic takes the wheel and starts driving you towards the cliff of self-punishment, take a breath and remember, you’re making a judgment, telling a story about what the situation means — and you have the power to change that story.
Call up your inner coach and walk through the situation. Think about how a good friend would talk you through it with a clear eye, kindness, and encouragement. And be that friend to yourself.
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